this is truly the worst blog ever.

Do my rants count as blogging? Well it doesn’t matter. I am a terrible writer, and therefore, a horrible blogger. So whether I am trying to inform or just sharing badly written prose it makes no difference at all. The cold hard fact is that only a very small percentage of the actual world population would actually read a blog called the worst blog ever.  (those that do, actually gain a small place in my heart)

My career as a blogger and where this blog is going is comparable to getting and E on an assignment. It is barely a pass, It kind of sucks, I got most of the answers wrong but there  was some actual real effort involved so not a total failure. And at this point as I am growing and learning I can only say, “fuck yes! I just kind of made it!”

So on that note. Shall I start to venture into this evenings musings that have me quite amused.

There has been a few  questions being thrown around these days about a certain issue that has been the elephant in the room since this all started in October. I can hardly be upset about any of the criticism that comes with this question. The answer is not as easy as not really having thought my actions and words through. Maybe I should share the questions first. (see another act of bad writing)  The questions I have been asked are: what the fuck am I actually doing and what the hell am I promoting? What kind of goals do I have with this blog and this website? What do I offer that is new, different, or even interesting?

At first I wanted to run and hide in a deep dark hole of despair as non avoidance is a great option. But then I realized these are not just questions about the reality of selling and promoting my artwork and ideas. These are the questions that I basically have avoided my whole adult life, and for a couple of good reason.  Reason number one, no one really wants to read my shitty writing or hear what I have to say to begin with. I have zero influence on anything. Two, what I have to say makes me sound kind of unoriginal in a pathetic kind of way.

Obviously, I am newish to all this. Although, the sad truth is I have been around forever. I have always wanted to jump into the waters of sharing my vision with the world. And I have spent some time trying. But I have statistics that I have gathered throughout this endeavor to prove that this has not worked out in my favor. So the questions arose and it is now time to attempt (of course through poor writing skills) to clarify my vision and cultivate an authentic voice.

It's hard to see a clear anything and especially a vision amongst the constant self criticism and lack of outside feedback.  I have to ask know if I am giving my readers who love bad writing an honest voice, is the laughter and humility there?  Or do I come off as as a whiny misguided white person that struggles in her everyday life of hardly won privileges. All I can hope for percentage of 80/20.  80% on the humility and 20% on the obvious misguidance.

In all of my sincerity and bad writing, I am hoping to share with my readers, who actually read is some kind of vision.

Trying to pinpoint what that vision is has been a tremendous experience. It is my vision is what carries me into the deep. That journey that I take into the deep is Zen in Being, it is my art, it is the life I live then have ran away from more than a few times.  I realize that I don’t exactly match up with my lifestyle, and I am kind of happy about this.

Zen in Being is the middle path. My art is about mediation.  When I make it, I genuinely do feel some kind of Samadhi. It is just not total and complete Samadhi. (i might just be high from the fumes of some of the mediums I use on the canvas)  Nonetheless, this is what I believe because this is what I have been seeking.

So back to the questions, what is Zen in Being about? What goals does it aim to achieve? Why the worst blog written ever? And furthermore, why the hell do you love reading bad writing?

Zen in Beng is a lifestyle. It is an identity that I have created. It's the life I have chosen for myself and have beat myself up about.  Because sometimes it is also a life I don’t always believe that I deserve. ( I have considered rebranding it as the pains of living with white privilege in America)  

To me making great art means exploring the inspiration behind what motivates me.  The goal is not only to sell art, but share in the experiences of not only being an artist but being alive in this day an age not only as an artist, but as a seeker searching for a holistic vision that adds something new to our collective consciousness.  Having a blog called the worst blog ever written a factual account of this experience as I am experiencing it.

I still can't say what is new and different about what I have to offer, other than the original pieces of art I make and share, and my story I guess. Somehow, I am just like every other wokeAF and brokeAF artist that is trying to come up. And just like all great things this is going to take a bit more time.


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